Thursday, 29 September 2011

The D-word

Ok, so let me honest. I have been blogging for a little while and the reason I started was to help me journal and identify what my passions are. What prompted this, is a depression and burnout. Contrarily to many beliefs, depression hurts all types of people and most often you realize what happening when you're neck-deep in it. To admit was very hard for me, because it made me feel like a failure. Not only did I feel completely empty, I was dissapointed in myself for letting it go this far. I consider myself a survivor, a fighter; I don't give up and I always keep pushing. A visual I have to better represent this is when there's a rough patch or a challenge you roll-up your sleeves you look down and I would push push push until I put my head up and you've accomplished whatever you were doing.
For these last years I kept doing that, and everytime I would look up, I felt like I had gone backwards, everytime. My health started to take a toll, I was basically becoming a zombie and barely making it through the day. At that point I didn't even realize what was going on. One day, about four months ago, I completely crashed (according to my psychologist, had I waited another 2 weeks, my health would of been so bad I would of needed hospitalization) The days that followed were bad, really bad. I truly saw how all the areas of my life were affected (see a list here) I saw my family Doctor that same week and started seeign a therapist. I wanted to get better so bad that I really had a hard time relaxing, my attitude was ' hurry up and relax!' Needless to say that this attitude only set me back in my recovery. It took about 4 to 6 weeks to only start feeling a little bit better. The weekly help I am getting is greatly helping. Now, I am on the recovery road but its not how I thought it would be; it's very different.
I have so much to say, but it's still difficult for me to express it. I just wanted to at least open the subject here. It's my first step. And as I have learned in this journey, taking at least a first step is the most important one, because it makes it a reality.
I hope to be able to help anyone with this experience, I welcome any question or comments because being able to understand or relate is very important, sometimes life-changing. Sharing is an importnat key to healing.

1 comment:

  1. So glad you've come to grips with it! Depression can literally be a killer. Hope you are on your way to good health.